I'm an Intellectual, God Dammit.

I splurged this weekend. I bought four books and two magazines.

All at one time! I spent over $60 at Barnes & Noble on my way home from work last Friday. I got the latest Augusten, a book by some guy from Brunswick, Georgia named Hadji, a couple of memoirs about pain and addiction and misery told in a lighthearted, sarcastic tone and then ... People and US Weekly.

Guess what I read first.

I hate US Weekly. Hate it. The whole time I'm devouring it cover to cover I'm thinking, "I hate you US Weekly." [flips page] And I berate myself for reading it.

This is so stupid. I can't believe I spent money on this. Look at this. People are out there taking photos of celebrities who are buying diapers and selling the pictures to magazines. They're just like us! Look at them! They drink coffee and wear shoes!"

Ugh. Who cares? Then I turn to the article on the train wreck of the week and think, "Jesus. No wonder she's so fucked up. She can't even put gas in her car without some idiot snapping a camera in her face to sell to a magazine to show people that she's just like us! except on way more drugs." Flip. Flip. Flip.

This is how it goes the entire time I am reading and trying to hide the cover from my fellow commuters on the 4 Train, lest they mistakenly take me for someone who not only purchases, but reads, this garbage.

I don't buy it every week, but I did briefly consider a subscription. Thank god I came to my senses. I'd be horrified if one of my highbrow, academic neighbors caught me getting it out of my mailbox. And then I'd giggle and make some comment like, "Can you believe Erica reads this shit?", while covering the address label with my MoMA catalog or something so they would be sure to know that I am the sophisticated, artsy lesbian in the building and not some schlock who reads tabloids.This morning, instead of picking up AMNY or Metro, I stopped at a bodega and bought the NY Times and a fancy bottle of Naked juice smoothie drink to try to re-balance my cool and intellectual chi. I am sure my fellow commuters were all appropriately impressed.

Recycle, My Ass.

In the city there are two free newspapers: AM New York and Metro. They come out every weekday and I love them. I love them so much that I will cross the street to get them if necessary. New Yorkers hate to cross the street. Especially if it's an avenue. That's why there can be practically identical bodegas on opposite corners and they'll both thrive. We're just always in a hurry and there's always traffic and that slows you down. At least that's what I think it is. Maybe we're just lazy fucks. Anyway. That is not the point of this story.

Every morning between AM New York and Metro, I have three sudoku games and two crosswords. I occasionally will flip through the rest of the papers, but it's rare. If I see a piece on Amy Winehouse or something, then I'll read it, but otherwise, I do the puzzles on the way to work and when I get off the train, I throw the papers away.

Of course, I feel a pang of guilt when I do it, but I keep doing it. Sometimes on holiday Mondays, Metro doesn't show up at the stands I pass. I don't know if they take those days off, or if the delivery guys are slacking, but it upsets me. I like my puzzles. I look forward to them and the timing is perfect when I have all of them -- if I get a seat that is. Otherwise, I don't make it through them all and I have some left over for the ride home. Yay!So, anyway. I am personally responsible for ten newspapers per week being thrown away because I want to do crosswords and sudoku and I just hate those puzzle books so much. There's something different about doing the puzzles in the paper. I dunno.

On rare occasions when I forget a pen it's misery. But once I compose myself and realize that just because I look through my bag for the eighth time, a pen will not materialize, I read through the papers and then I usually leave them on a bench in the station for someone else. Once I was screamed at by a Metro guy because I dropped my used Metro in his stand. "This is not a recycling pile!" And he grabbed the paper off the stack and threw it away. Then recently these signs started showing up on the garbage cans in the subway stations. The MTA is trying to eliminate garbage created by people like me practicing lazy green-ness. "I'm not being wasteful, I'm leaving a gift for a stranger who forgot to grab a paper on the way downstairs."

I don't believe these signs. I believe the MTA are lying bastards. There is no way that they are forcing those workers to dredge through New York City subway garbage cans to separate out the newspapers for recycling. Do you know what kind of grotesque materials go into those cans? Snotty tissues, chewed gum, vomit. Plus people drop drinks and food in there. I'm not sure, but I would guess that subway station maintenance positions don't offer pay much above minimum wage, and the MTA is having them separate the recyclable materials from bags of vomit and half eaten falafel sandwiches? I highly doubt it.

Yet. In my head I pretend that I do believe them so that when I throw the papers away at 86th street every morning, I don't have to think of polar bears treading water looking for ice floes.s