I've missed you guys. We just got back from Nevis last night and I can not wait to tell you all about it. It was amazing. Monkeys. This Rasta guy named Nambo. Partying with an 81 year old Trinidadian woman until three in the morning. A crazy golf cart bandit named Jim. Ridiculous.
However. I have to wait until Erica loads all of the photos for me to do a proper entry on the vacation, so until then, let me tell you about a new show I discovered.
Now, I have always loved an infomercial. I have actually purchased items from infomercials. I think I may be part of the infomercial target audience.I can almost recite the entire Ronco "Set it and forget it" Showtime Rotisserie informercial. And every time I watch it I love it. (I have watched it a lot.) I love Ron Popeil. And, who doesn't? He's so enthusiastic. And the audience! They are so amazed by the insane bargain they'd be receiving if they bought the Showtime Rotisserie within the next thirty minutes. What with the elastic roasting ties, shish kebob skewers and the ever popular (and necessary) heavy-duty, napalm-proof roasting gloves, they should be paying double. No! Triple! Those gloves are made of a substance that, upon inspection from bed at four in the morning, seems to be plastic or rubber -- both meltable materials -- but if Ron's sending them to me with his Showtime Rotisserie, certainly they're made of some NASA approved stuff that is so hi-tech, he's insane for even letting the public know about them.
I actually never bought any of Mr. Popeil's items. Unless he had something to do with the Chia Pet Mr. T, but I think that's a different company.
I did buy the Darrin's Dance Grooves when my old roommate and dear, dear friend HeatherJeanne and I were in the height of our Brittany obsession. When we weren't practicing our moves from West Side Story (we choreographed this ourselves), we were learning the steps to the "Crazy" and "Bye Bye Bye" videos.Anyway. Back to Shop Erotic. Last night when Erica and I got home from Nevis and the most spectacular vacation ever, I was flipping channels when I spotted information on a show that was showing at 3:00 and then again at 3:30AM on Oxygen. The name was there and the info on it was:
The best Home Shopping for all your romance needs - hand picked products, satisfaction guaranteed, discrete billing and shipping.Seriously? Record please. Entire series.
I hit the, "Yes, I'm sure," button and checked in again this afternoon between watching the most recent episode of Weeds and the Snapped! marathon. Turns out, this informercial is presented, not in Ron Popeil fashion, but as if it were the Home Shopping Network or QVC. The same basic screen design -- pricing and information in an opaque box on the left of the screen, a box to the right that either features the woman selling the items (dildos) or the items themselves (dildos). Then there's a banner at the bottom of the screen with the phone numbers and the logos for the credit cards they accept. (Visa, MC, AMEX & Discover! Nobody accepts Discover.)
The show started with Miyoko, a lovely Asian woman who is dressed in a frumpy grey sweater and wearing glasses, though in that "When i pull this frumpy sweater and glasses off, I am going to tap that ass" kind of way. She starts the show off bt assuring us, the viewers, that we were very safe calling these numbers. In fact, there is a special phone line dedicated to women only so that they won't be skeeved out by calling some guy in the middle of the night and handing over their credit card information to buy a special Jack Rabbit vibrating/rotating dildo or even just your run of the mill dong with suction cup.
Then they go to a two-shot of Miyoko and a very innocent looking blonde woman (she calls the dildos "massagers") who agrees that for some people ("Not us, Miyoko.") it would be awkward ordering sex toys over the phone at 4 AM while your kids are asleep between their Spongebob SquarePants sheets in the next room. But for us, the viewers, (she says) we can feel comfortable and at ease because they have segregated the phone lines in order to make us feel okay about all of this. We can rest assured knowing that we will be speaking exclusively to a woman when we request our sex harness and ball gag.
Plus! There are gifts! With every purchase of the 6 1/2"" rubber vibrating dong you get a bottle of fancy lube. "Perfect for playing with toys, or by yourself." I wondered if this were a Freudian slip on her part and she was supposed to say boys instead of toys. Perhaps Miyoko is a lesbian. She does get into the politics of sex toys -- in a lot of places you can't even buy a waterproof/battery-operated dildo that is ergonomically designed to fit perfectly in the palm of your hand.
Miyoko: You know. Sometimes, we do get a little tired wrist or you know, the forearm does get a little tired.
Innocent Blonde: Or you have to reach ...
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