Rock and Roll Heaven's Gate

Now you can vote for Kendra's video with a clear conscience!

My Famous Friend Kendra!

My friend Kendra is a world-renowned filmmaker and the latest production from her film company, Cherry Films is out of control!
(That's right. I'm friends with Kendra of Cherry Films. What?)

(In fact she wrote me a personal email.)

Our animated video for the Indigo Girls will be airing for the first time on the Logo channel THIS Sunday at midnight!!!!

It's called "Rock and Roll Heaven's Gate." Keep your eye out for it! And once it's aired PLEASE vote for it at the following link so it gets shown more! http://www.logoonline.com/music/

Thank you sooooooooo much!

Kendra, Carrie and Tricia (Cherry Films)

PS....Wahooooooooo!!!

(A personal bulk email. Whatever.)

So, I'm passing it on to those of you who know Logo Channel. And if you don't, who cares? You don't have to watch to vote ... you know how these things work. It's just like when I was elected Miss Baldwin 1992 at Abraham Baldwin Agricultural College in Tifton, Georgia. It's a popularity contest. I was most popular then (Believe that.) and Cherry Films and Kendra want to be most popular now. So. logoonline.com/music/. Rock and Roll Heaven's Gate. Three minutes tops. Boom. Done.

Step One

I did it. I just got back from my very first Al-Anon meeting. No cookies. No free coffee. No tissues.

No tissues.

Even I as a first timer know there should be tissues. I have decided that I will become the bringer of the tissues and that's why I have to keep going back. (That and everyone said that to me simultaneously at the end of the meeting. "Keep coming back!")It was good. And fast. I kind of wished it were a longer meeting. An hour of personal trauma testimony on a Saturday morning just isn't enough.

I didn't talk. Though if they had gotten to me, I would have. However, I declined to participate in the show of hands section because I knew as a first timer they most certainly would have chosen me and that felt pretentious for some reason. Still, there was a woman who told almost my exact story, and just hearing her talk made me feel a lot better. Maybe I can now face that voicemail Mom left yesterday.

But first I'm going to brunch.

Stress on Seventh Avenue

E and I are fighting. Right now it's because I put too much kindling on the fire. Apparently there is a specified amount of kindling allowed per fire and it's related to the time of night but I'm not sure how.

We've been having stupid fights all night long. We're both having severe muscle spasms in our shoulders and we are cranky. I obviously blame my mother.

I think E was expecting that my return to Brooklyn would equate to me being okay emotionally about Mom simply by virtue of the mileage between us. Unfortunately, now that I'm home, I'm out of 'survive the drama' mode and I am strictly processing. This does not usually inspire much house cleaning or dinner making. It mostly involves staring at the TV and obsessing about what's happened and what might be happening right now. And, dear god, what will happen tomorrow?I know what's happening Saturday. Al-Anon. I don't know whether I'm already betraying the Anon part of it by saying I'm going, but I tell you guys everything. I'd feel like I was being secretive and as I learned on Dr. Drew's Celebrity Rehab, you are only as sick as your secrets.

I got a call from HJ today. I never get calls from HJ. Never. Until the past month that is. There is apparently some full moon type hippie shit going on. The last time I talked to her, she was hiding out at a cocktail party, chain smoking and hoping that they were serving pork for dinner, then today we had a conversation consisting of her saying, every 6 sentences, "Al-Anon. Seriously."

So I'm going. I think she's right. First of all, I could totally use some camaraderie in this. Secondly, I have always wanted to have a group session. I think that's why I'm so attracted to the addiction/intervention/rehab shows. I love the idea of group. (And that being able to relate so directly to most of their problems.) How fun to not only whine about your problems, but to whine to a captive audience? For free? Al-Anon. Seriously.

I'm nervous. And excited. Basically here's my Saturday plan; Al-Anon, Brunch, Yoga, Reflexology/Facial, Dinner, Birthday Party. I'm mainly afraid that my plan will dissolve into; Al-Anon, Bloody Mary Brunch, Uncontrollable Sobbing, Dinner, Birthday Party. (That was probably also problematic in the by-laws of Al-Anon.)

However, I have to find a way to work this out or E and I are going to bicker each other to death. She'll be irritated because she has handled way too many Mother-In-Law crises in this relationship and she's on the brink of snapping. And I'll be resentful because I'll try to not talk to her about the latest crisis, and then I'll be passive aggressive because I'm repressing. So I'm going to Al-Anon. And I am looking forward to it.

If You Don't Want People Talking About You Being An Asshole, Don't Be An Asshole

And, here we go again. My Lost escape is over and I'm back in Hometown Hell.

I just got off the phone with Mom and I feel awful. Because I have done extensive research by watching every episode of Intervention (several of them multiple times) I know what she is doing is deflecting. She is not down with being the center of attention the way that she is right now so she's pointing to everyone and everything around her to try to escape the spotlight.

Still. It kills me when I hear comments like, "You left me when I needed you." I know that this need for me was never expressed and that she is being passive aggressive. I know that when I booked my ticket home that she wasn't speaking to me and A said that she wished I would just go "hawme." But now that I'm here, she's trying to convince me that she said she needed me and that I flatly deserted her, and it's getting to me.I was talking to her about continuing therapy on an outpatient basis and she immediately changed the subject to how her privacy had been violated and that I've exposed her to the entire family. (Deflect. No. Deflect passive aggressively!) This is the same woman who less than a week ago said to me, "Well you lie too. I read your journals from Italy."

People. Seriously. I am about to fucking snap.

My Biggest Problem Today

Hey.

I had a good decompression day yesterday, basically spent every moment on the couch watching TV or playing Wii or sleeping. Of course, every time I sleep I spend the entire time fighting with my mom or being kicked out of the house by Mom, or fighting with A about Mom, but I guess that's just part of the process of working this all out.

However, I am happy to report that today is much better. Now, much better from where I've been isn't saying a whole lot. It's been a sucky couple of weeks which were the culmination of a suck-ass couple of years. Still, today I'm back on the couch, but this time I'm enjoying the TV rather than using it as a way to make the hours pass to get the day over.Yet, I'm frustrated. I'm catching up on the Lost episodes I missed while away on my own deserted and insanely creepy island, and I keep either stopping the fast forward too quickly or I am having to rewind because I've gone too far. You know why? Anything can happen on Lost. So, sometimes you get tricked by commercials because it would be no surprise for Kate and Jack to suddenly come upon a small child drinking grape juice or some guys sitting around drinking beer and watching football. It makes me crazy.

I am usually a pro with the DVR remote, and Lost makes me feel like I've lost my mojo.

Patient #4606 aka Patient #7928

I realize that for the benefit of her experience, I should probably be addressing this question to Martha Stewart. But you know how I feel about Oprah - all knowing talk show Queen that she is -- and I don't want to chance hurting her feelings by asking Martha a question to which she, omnipotent Oprah, would know the answer to.


So, O, what is the proper etiquette for thanking intervention participants? Do I send thank you cards? Flowers? Wine and Xanax?

Turns out Mom is deeply, clinically depressed as verified by the finest General Practitioner in all of Fitzgerald, Georgia. (How long have I been telling you people this? Why won't anyone listen to me?) To combat her depression, Mom started using too much of her prescription medication. Now, let's run down the litany of complaints and concerns I have had about Mommy since I started posting about her on this blog.

Delirium, falling, constant fear of dying, constant self-diagnoses of a variety of very scary cancers, losing ridiculous amounts of weight, breaking multiple bones in a very short time (who besides a nine year old boy does this?), not knowing what day it is, atrial fibrulation and her insane tolerance for pain pills.

What else can I say besides, "Duh"?

When I got the call from A, my sister, about Mom's recent fall and busted head/staples incident, I declared that I would no longer be party to the lies and secrets our family has treasured for so long. I called both of my uncles, told them everything then I went directly to one of Mom's multiple doctors with detailed information on what Mom was taking and in what quantities. Together, we all talked her into checking herself into a psychiatric hospital for a few days.

She has since been released and is doing well. She has a degree of clarity for the first time in many, many years and she gained the ability to empathise with crack heads and cutters. She understands that she is not a bad person, she has an illness and we're on the Road to Recovery.

My family and friends pulled together for me in ways I couldn't believe. Although I have no cell service in Ben Hill and the surrounding counties in South Georgia, when I got back to AT&T country, I had over fifteen messages of love and encouragement. I also received multiple emails, text messages and one honest-to-god handwritten letter in the mail. I also got the funniest invitation to a Super Bowl party ever from a friend who didn't know what was happening, but who helped me feel better anyway.

I'm back in Brooklyn but am taking a few days to decompress so that I can remember what my real life is like. My people, I have eaten more McDonald's food in the past week and a half than I have in the past five years and I was forced to shop at Wal-Mart repeatedly because, in the country, there are no other options.

I am tired, I feel fat and greasy and I feel I should be wearing a hairshirt airbrushed with the phrase, "I am a loser who supported Wal-Mart."

Until I get the call from Oprah, I'd like some feedback on what you think I should do regarding the thank you notes. I checked someecards.com and they had nothing.