To Three Jolly Pigeons

I got a phone call at work yesterday.

"Hi. My name is Holly and I got a package that was for you. Do you live close to 67th Street in Brooklyn?"

Me: No. I'm in Park Slope. I wonder how ... wait. Are you around the corner from Three Jolly Pigeons?Holly: Yeah, I am.
Me: And your landlord is Alex. I used to live there like five years ago.
Holly: I got the package and without checking the label I opened it. I'm sorry. It's a box of Lancome products.

Turns out Klutz-o sent a care package to me at my old address. Old as in five addresses ago, and upon further reflection, seven years ago. Klutz-o does not keep accurate records.

So, Holly is obviously a very nice and good person who was honest enough (or afraid of karma enough) to find me, call and return a box full of makeup and lotion and perfume.

Anyway. While Holly and I were on the phone, I kept things short and sweet. "Thank you so much. I'll send a messenger." In my head I was thinking, "Do you have any idea what occurred in that apartment? The scenes played out, the characters who came through the door, the laughing and dancing and vomiting ..."

So, I've decided to send Holly a thank you card with a little care package -- some mascara and lip gloss maybe.

Dear Holly,

Have you ever gone to The Pigeon at 5AM on a Mother's Day Sunday in your slippers and robe? Did you pay for your beer with a bag of change? Did you have your 30th birthday party in the apartment and did it involve your roommate being a slave for you and drinking beer out of a dog bowl? Do you ever, in the late, quiet night think you hear people dancing and singing songs from West Side Story? That's me, Holly. That's me and HeatherJeanne.

Do you ever wonder why there's a cigarette burn in the window sill or red nail polish in the grout of the bathroom tile? I know the story behind both of those things.

Holly. You live in a place that was the scene of some of the most important moments in my life. That is where HJ and I fell in love with each other (platonically speaking, unless we were drinking), and where we had our hearts broken in two of the worst relationships known to mankind.

Did you ever imagine that on 9/11 while I was stuck in Manhattan unable to get home, HeatherJeanne didn't know where to turn and found herself in the Fire Station on the corner sobbing uncontrollably and begging the Fire Fighters, "What can I do? What do I do?"

That apartment is where my friendship with HRH was born and bred.*

Enjoy the place Holly, and watch out for Alex. If you're behind in your rent and he thinks you still have a lease although you do not have a lease anymore because it ran out and he never asked you to sign a new one, he'll just barge in. Seriously. Just walk right in to the apartment -- no knock, no nothing.

I suggest you keep the chain on.

Thanks again for returning the stuff!

With love and gratitude,

The Princess

*note: Obviously, I assume Holly is a fan. I feel you Jerry Seinfeld. There is no place on Earth where I can go and not be known.

This Kid is Brilliant

I wonder how many times she said, "Shit!" and had to start over ...

Give it Up People!

Ok. I know it's the time of the year that people are begging for money for every cause and charity and disfigured cat out there.

But.

This is a great idea to make your charity dollars go as far as possible towards the greater good. Seriously.

Last year I received a nice Christmas bonus for work and I felt I should share the love. I found an organization called Kiva and I fell in love.

Kiva lets you connect with and loan money to unique small businesses in the developing world. By choosing a business on Kiva.org, you can "sponsor a business" and help the world's working poor make great strides towards economic independence. Throughout the course of the loan (usually 6-12 months), you can receive email journal updates from the business you've sponsored. As loans are repaid, you get your loan money back.

Here's how it works (click on photo to enlarge):

It's fun because you can watch these people's progress and once they've paid back their loans (Kiva's default rate is surprisingly low. Of the $2,494,210 of loans with completed loan terms, the default rate is 0.2%.) you can use the exact same money to help another business.

Just throwing it out there ...

Make sure you take the book.

For exactly one month I lived alone in a one bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side. And I was blissfully alone for that month with my own bathroom, kitchen, and my own living room. What I did not have, but what I definitely needed was a TV.

So, about three days into living at this apartment I went to Best Buy with my friend Irene to buy a TV. I spent, I don’t know about 10 minutes, looking and quickly chose the model I wanted based on price and appearance. I had no idea about quality, etc. In my opinion this is what men are for. Unfortunately, most of my adult life has been spent without one actually in my life, so… One of the guys who worked there picked up the TV and carried it over his head, like it was no heavier than say a book and promptly walked it out to the street, dropping it down for us to take over. I thanked him and Irene and I proceeded to pick up the box using the handles on either side. People, this box weighed a zillion pounds. I’m not kidding. Irene and I together had once moved our entire apartment from the second floor to the first floor with no help. You should have seen us struggling down the street. We had only four blocks to walk and I thought we weren’t going to make it. I considered just leaving the TV there on the street, but I really like to watch TV. I mean people were coming out of businesses to laugh and point while we struggled down the street.

Finally, we get it back to my place, plugged it in, it turned on and we left to go get something to eat. I come home after dinner, sit down on the couch and promptly realize that the TV does not have any sound. Let’s get something straight here people, I was not dragging that thing back to Best Buy, so I had no choice but to figure out how to make it work. What occurred next was an hour of reading the manual (something I’m morally opposed to but one must make allowances) only to find that indeed there was no answer. So, being the nice girl I am, I proceeded to smack the side of the TV and voila, within six seconds I had sound.

Now, what I have had for the last four years is a TV that whenever bumped or nudged must be smacked on its side in order for sound to be restored. It gets even better than that because it isn’t one spot that it must be hit in, but a never ending moving spot that tortures me to no end. Originally I used my hand for the task of beating the TV into submission, but sadly one time, with a day old manicure no less, I was smacking the TV so hard that I actually put my hand through the side of it. Listen, Lost was coming on in three minutes, it was very dire circumstance. Of course, it was at that point that I actually stopped being blonde for five seconds and came up with the brilliant idea to use an object to hit the TV. And this is how the biography of Georgia O’Keeffe came to find its home at the bottom of my TV.

Here are a couple of fun facts about the TV. One, did you know that the sound for the TV is not the same as the sound that comes from say your DVD player? Me neither. I know this because it is only the TV function in which I have no sound, I can play DVDs to my little hearts content. Also, did you know that if you have a TV whose sound goes out when it’s bumped at all that possibly, maybe the best place to live is not in an unstable house on the corner of a street where large trucks drive by.

Recently, “A” and I were talking about what someone would take if they broke in. I do realize if you’ve come to my house you really are desperate to steal and thus deserve to find something. We thought it would be nice if we left a note on the TV that said, “if stolen, please make sure to take book. You’ll see.”

He's a Daredevil!

Hi people.

On behalf of HRH and myself, I would like to apologize. We have not been very active with the blog lately. It's the holidays ... so many parties, so much shopping, so many hangovers .... You know how it is.

Anyway. I wanted to let you know what happened recently. As you know, Erica & I moved into a new apartment, complete with spiral staircase. Which, as you may have guessed, has led to drama.

Chulo is injured. He is currently on a strict regimen of no activity, twice daily pain medication and wound cleansing every 6-8 hours. Turns out, this little tubby pooch who appeared to be frightened of everything (especially plastic bags), is a four-legged Evel Knievel.This past weekend Chulo suddenly decided he was ready to give the spiral staircase a go. From the top. As he crashed into the artwork on his way down the wall, just moments before the plummet ended at the slate floor, Chulo had a realization.

He sucks at spiral staircases.

I'm sure his crash made a loud noise but it was drowned out by the hysterical screaming coming from all the dramatic girls in the apartment. (Our friend Flea was visiting from North Carolina and witnessed the entire event.) You see, we all heard the launch and freaked out. Our little Chulo is known for randomly falling down from a standing position. (He takes after Uncle Klutz-O.)I was sure he was dead. However, praise Smoking Baby, he survived. And he handled the ordeal surprisingly well.

He did have a very pronounced limp and as we discovered an hour or so later, a pretty nice cut in his back that had been obscured by his fur in the initial assessment.

We took him into the vet, the leg is not broken, the wound is not serious and Chulo is expected to make a full recovery. He's already walking better.

Plus -- he looks like he's been shot so now he can pretend to be "Gangsta."

Fitzgerald Found Me.

It's happened. I've been found out by my family.

I recently received a comment on my "How It Happens" post from a mysterious Misty B.

My first thought was, "Yay! Another reader who isn't guilted into it by just knowing me or HRH."
Then I read her comments and she made these cryptic allusions to my hometown, Fitzgerald. She called it FishWorld -- a nickname only used by locals. In my day it was FishBarrel. I think it was probably started by some Northerner who got lost taking an exit off of I-75 and stopped at the Suwanee Swifty to ask for directions.

Lost Yankee: Could you tell me where I am?
Fitzgeraldian: Fuhitzgeerald
LY: Fish Barrel?
F: Fitzgurald
LY: Fish World?

Anyway.

So, I get this comment from Misty B who is obviously from Fitzgerald and I freak a little. In my hometown not only does everyone know everyone else, they know everyone who has ever lived in Fitzgerald and are usually related to most of them.
I immediately edited every blog in which I wrote about my family, changing names to initials and deleting photos, and I went back to my email.

Misty B is my cousin. She used to be Misty F which is what caused the confusion. I learned this because I had an email from her.

She briefly caught me up on life through some small talk then this:

Anyways I also wanted to tell you that I have read your blogs...And I think you and mama should talk...you both have some of the same opinions about your mamas...haha....and also I read this...

tell my mother that she is in control of her life and that her current situation is the result of decisions she made for her life. I discuss my life openly regarding my domestic partner, Erica, the new home we're buying, the fact that my family is so separate from my life because Mom doesn't want me to be out to them.

And I just wanted to let you know that seriously.....I am cool with this...I love you...to me you have always been my cool favorite cousin...that I never get to see.....Your life is your life....whatever you choose and whom ever you choose to spend your life with is your choice..I think it's great... oh.. mama knows too...she is cool with it too.... she says we all need to meet sometime and hang out...And what happens on the internet....stays on the internet...haha.. Well just wanted to tell you that....write back don't be a stranger...

And, next to my birthday message from the Universe, this is the best email I've ever received.

Girl, 10, Arrested for Using Knife to Cut Food at School

A friend of mine sent this article to me.

A 10-year-old Florida girl faces felony weapons charges after bringing a small steak knife to school to cut up her lunch, according to a report on WFTV.com.

School officials say the Ocala 5th grader had brought a piece of steak for her lunch, and had brought a steak knife. According to the report, a couple of teachers took the utensil and called authorities, who arrested the girl and took her to the county’s juvenile assessment center."She did not use it inappropriately. She did not threaten anyone with it. She didn't pull it out and brandish it. Nothing of that nature," explained Marion County School Spokesman Kevin Christian, who added that it made no difference what the knife was being used for, they had no choice but to call police.

"Anytime there's a weapon on campus, yes, we have to report it and we aggressively report it because we don't want to take any chances, regardless," Christian said.

The girl now faces a felony charge for possessing a weapon on school property and has been suspended from school for 10 days.

My first reaction was, "Are you fucking kidding me?" This school's administration called police on an 11 year old child and had her arrested for having lunch. You know that this kid's mom probably was packing her lunch and thought, my baby can't eat the steak without having a knife to cut it. And, for that matter, this child probably just learned how to cut her meat on her own.

The administration's position is that they have to call the police, no matter what, if a weapon is found on campus. This type of blanket rule is ridiculous. A steak knife, accompanied by a steak, is not a weapon. It is an eating utensil. But because the school "had no choice" this poor little girl will be scarred for life over trying to eat her lunch properly.

And does the school have no choice in what punishment it hands down? Are they forced to suspend her for 10 days? I am infuriated. Not only are they attacking a, by their own account, innocent girl, they are casting a shadow over proper table manners.

Honestly. How much harm could an 11 year old girl armed with a single steak knife do? I get that they probably did need to punish her in some way, just to send the message to the other kids that no matter what, knives are not accepted, but two weeks' suspension? People, when I found out I had a D in English, I stole a blank report card, filled it out, forged my teacher's name, had my mom sign the fake, and in turn forged her name on the original and when I got caught I only got 3 days' suspension.

Marion County School, I hate you and I hate your assface.