You Can Hear That?

For the past few weeks I've been having an almost daily nightmare about being stuck at my mother's house. The story varies but there are exclusively two plots.

Plot One:
I'm at home for a visit and am frantically trying to leave. The reason why I can't get out is the variable in this plot. Mostly the reason ends up being something to do with my legs not working. This one fucking terrifies me. I'll be running to get out of Fitzgerald and all of a sudden both of my legs will stop working from the knees down. They become so weak that I can't pick myself up to keep going.

It gives me anxiety just writing about it.

One morning after waking up from this dream, I told Erica about it. She said, "Yeah. I hate those dreams." Now, being the center of the universe, I was amazed to find out other people had my dream. I honestly thought it might be due to the fact that I have knee issues because each of my knee caps turn toward the outside of my legs. Or, maybe the fact that when I was younger I was a dancer (which is probably why I have that knee cap issue.)

When Erica said that practically everyone she ever knew had had a dream in which their legs didn't work, I felt like Zorak from Space Ghost Coast to Coast when Space Ghost yelled at him, "Shut up, Loud Eyes!" Zorak, a praying mantis whose eyes click every time he blinks, was stunned.

You can hear that?

Plot Two:I am angrily cleaning the junk out of Mom's house and can't leave until it's done.

Mom, in real life, is an uncontrollable pack rat. She has literally drawers full of mismatched socks. She can't let go of any them ... you know ... in case she ever finds the match. Of course, she never thinks to look in one of the mismatched sock drawers for the match. She's probably got over 500 pair of socks in there -- and counting.

Then there's my niece's old baby clothes. Now, I don't mean just her first dress or her first pair of shoes. I mean every onesie and every t-shirt she ever wore. Mom saves these because baby clothes are expensive and one day she might know someone who needs them. My niece V is almost twelve and I don't believe one stitch of her clothing has left that house.Of course, my sister has had several friends who could have used a nice stock of little girl clothes, and a baby bed and a baby swing and all the other crap rotting away in the back bedroom, but according to Mom, my sister's friends are trash and therefore do not deserve V's twelve-year-old onesies.

In my Plot Two dreams I dump drawer after drawer of socks into huge black garbage bags, but when I get to V's closet, I can't part with anything. Mom claims to have an emotional attachment to each piece of clothing and each toy so although I attempt to get rid of these things, I am overwhelmed with guilt and can never complete the task and therefore will never escape.

You can imagine how rested I've been lately.

Then this morning I remember a session with my therapist when she and I discussed a dream I had the night prior. She told me that in your dreams, every character is a representation of a part of yourself. And I had one of those delicious moments of clarity where I realized I'm the one holding on and in my dreams I'm trying to get myself to let go of the past. And I feel fantastic! All this Power of Now stuff finally makes sense to me and emotionally I feel better than I have in over a month.

And, people, I spent last Friday night in jail in Louisville, Kentucky.