CharactersSCENE: New York State Drinking Driver Program classroom. The teacher has just announced that session 6 is over and that he will see all of the students on the following Saturday for their last class.
The Mouth - A tall, heavy set, middle-aged African American man who dresses in urban gear and sleeps in class. (But when he's awake, he has a comment about everything.) He has a lot of fun flirting with Me.
Pop Star - Attractive, well-dressed, 30-something man who has the same name as a famous alleged child abuser/confirmed plastic surgery addict/pop star.
Me - The only female in class. She is constantly being hit on by The Mouth. Because he's non-threatening, she finds him humorous.
Mr. Clicky - 50-something Russian immigrant with a thick accent and the world's most annoying habit of constantly clicking his pen.
Fat Albert - Fat Albert is a Puerto Rican male who strongly resembles the cartoon character except he has those jailhouse scars on one side of his face. Although he is very sweet and gentle in class, he's probably the kind of guy who would cut you.
Above It All - A 25 year old guy of undetermined Slavic heritage who is condescending and frequently informs his fellow students that he can't get anything from the class videos because they're from the 70's.
The Teacher - The instructor of the Drinking Driving Program for New York State (DDP).
The Counselor - The counselor who is in charge of sending students in for psychiatric evaluations and assigns makeup classes for the DDP.
THE MOUTH
Indicating Pop Star and Me.
Yo. Lemme see you after class.
Exasperated because Pop Star and Me wait in the room.
Not here. Outside.
ME
He could have been more clear about that.
POP STAR
Yeah.
Pop Star and Me walk into the hallway and wait for The Mouth.
THE MOUTH
Yo. Not in front of everybody.
After the class has entered the elevator, The Mouth motions for Pop Star and Me to join them for the ride down.
ME
Shrugs and follows The Mouth, but wonders why he said, "Not in front of everybody," then wanted to continue the conversation in the elevator with everybody.
THE MOUTH
Under his breath.
Y'all go see dis guy about the makeup class?
ME
Yeah. I told The Teacher that I needed to make up a class and he gave me a form to fill out. Next week after we're finished with this class I have to stay an extra two hours. Just ask him.
POP STAR
Don't say anything, man. They won't know.
THE MOUTH
Louder as everyone exits the elevator.
I didn't talk to The Teacher. I talked to the other dude. (meaning The Counselor) Yo. Dis nigga gave me an envelope and tell me to "buy him lunch" and we be straight.
ME
Shocked.
What?
POP STAR
He did the same to me. I put a twenty in the envelope and gave it back to him. He said we're cool.
ME
Shocked.
What?
THE MOUTH
Yup.
Fat Albert and Mr. Clicky walk faster to catch up with The Mouth, Pop Star and Me.
FAT ALBERT
Y'all talking 'bout that counselor dude?
THE MOUTH
Yup.
FAT ALBERT
He give you an envelope when you ask about the makeup class, right?
MR. CLICKY
He do same with me. He say, "Don't tell teacher. Buy lunch and you me okay." I give him twenty dollar.
FAT ALBERT
That's what I gave him.
ME
Shocked.
What?
THE MOUTH
Louder than ever. This mutha fucka be milking these bastards twenty bucks at a time lettin' them out of makeup classes. Know what else? When he give me mines, he say, "Don't come back here with no twenty, neither."
ME
Shocked.
Get out!
Above It All, overhearing the conversation, catches up to the group.
ABOVE IT ALL
Really? He said not to give him a twenty? I went in there today and told him I needed to make up two classes and he said to just give him a twenty and we'd be good.
THE MOUTH
Get the fuck out of here. Are you serious? When you go in?
ABOVE IT ALL
During the break.
THE MOUTH
Mutha fucka! I went in after you. I ain't givin' him no fifty bucks for no fuckin' makeup class. You give him twenty for two classes? Fuck that. I'm givin' him ten bucks.
Now thoroughly pissed off. Dis mutha fucka! I knew he done talked to one of y'all. And he talk to all of y'all? "Don't gimme no twenty dollars." Fuck that nigga! I sat in the rest of the class 'bout to blow up. Naw, naw, mutha fucka! Dat shit got me burnin' up. I ain't givin' him twenty dollars. He gettin' ten bucks.
ME
What an asshole! We should report him!
POP STAR
See? That's why he didn't give you no envelope.
Posts
5 comments:
If I've said it once I've said it a hundred times BORING
Is this anonymous's comment facetious? Personally I think it's crazy and fascinating. Report him. :)
That is shocking! And hilarious.
Anonymous is a jackass.
You have no idea how much I wish I were taking that class with you. I know those people. I love those people. But those people here have names like Tonto and Kimo and Romeo (not making that up).
I'm scared of Mr. Clicky though. He reminds me too much of Alex. All Russians do.
(You need to read Gypsy's blog. She wrote about Meccano. I think we all three should write about that night. Like a series. Or a reality show. And we can make up dances).
Mr. Clicky is totally Alex, H. I'm sure he's probably busting into someone's apartment right now.
Anonymous is Dan Cooney. He is a doucheschnozzle. He claims to find my blog boring, but spends an inordinate amount of time reading it. (And loving it.)
And yes, I LOVE my DDP. I'm going to miss those goofy bastards.
Post a Comment