Axed. Day 20.

In the past three weeks I have:

• Roasted two chickens.
  • Made chicken pot pie from roasted chicken leftovers.
  • Fed Erica roasted chicken of some sort three days in a row for lunch.
• Baked chocolate chip cookies.
• Baked pumpkin bread.
• Prepared dinner almost every night.
  • Set the table for dinner.
  • Used linen napkins for dinner.
  • Googled (and implemented) special napkin folds.
• Packed lunch for Erica almost every day.
• Bonded with the dog.
• Gone to the park with the dog.
• Bathed the dog.
• Cleaned out the fireplace.
• Reorganized the kitchen drawer.
• Washed every item of clothing we've worn.
• Washed and washed and washed dishes.
• Cleaned out the kitchen cabinets.
• Reorganized the bathroom cabinet.
• Listened to over twenty episodes of Oprah's Soul Series.

That's right. I am a housewife who is addicted to the Spirit Channel. (I am also a bartender at a nice little lesbian bar in the Gowanus section of Brooklyn. A story for another time.)

Know what else? I love it.

Truly. I am so happy these days. My relationship with Erica is healthier than it's ever been. My stress level is zero. (Erica's is only a 15. That alone is a Christmas miracle.) I just have this feeling that everything is exactly as it should be right now. And I've been given this amazing opportunity to make a change in my life and decide what direction I want to go in. It's pretty great.

The first thing I realized after being laid off from the event business (again) was that I have no interest in going back into the event business. It was always something that I had fallen into, not something that I had fallen in love with. What I have fallen in love with, is writing. So, here's the plan:

1. Stay at home and write. (Or go to the park and write. Or a cafe. The zoo. You get the point.)
2. Write the stuff I want to write the way I want to write it.
3. Have someone pay me to do it.

I am so excited.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Susan. We need to have a talk neither of us wants to have.

My boss sat down in front of me and proceeded to tell me that because of our country's garbage economy, the event production company could no longer afford my salary. Our company (their company) has only employed three full-time employees and even that was too much of a burden at this point. He said he didn't want to let me go, but three of our yearly events had already cancelled and the rest of our clients were all scaling way back on the remaining events we had booked.

Awesome.

You can have the rest of the afternoon off.

I packed my stuff and went home. And that's how I got laid off. Again. "Again?" you ask.

To that I reply, "Yep."

I have been laid off twice by the same company. Hell. By the same guy. The last time we had an audience. We were all in his office -- him, co-worker one and two, part-time lighting guy, and me. It was right after 9/11 and we were having champagne. This time it was one on one. And it wasn't nearly as dramatic. I'm not sure if it's set in yet. I'm kind of still processing and, to be honest, enjoying having a day off. Plus, I got off early yesterday! I picked up cream on the way home because I thought, "I'm gonna want coffee in the morning and I'm not going to be putting on real clothes tomorrow."

When I got in, I decided to take a look to see what jobs were on Craig's List. When I clicked on the "food/bev/hosp" link I was hoping to find something in the event management arena. I started reading the ads and I realized. I don't want to be an event planner anymore. The last time I was laid off I worked every crap job I could find to stay afloat until I could convince the event company to hire me back. It was the first job I had ever had that was rewarding and exciting. There was a challenge to it and the perks were glamorous. Working there was the first time that I realized that I could aspire to something better than Receptionist or Executive Assistant. Now, this is my chance to figure out what I really wanted to do. So I clicked on the "Writing Jobs" link.

I think it's been hardest on Erica. She tends to panic. I've been laid off for about 26 hours at this point. Erica has known about it since 11:00 last night (she worked late). We went to bed by midnight. She got up at 8, left by 9, and was at work at 9:45.

By noon she sent me three different email contacts as well as job ideas. Before 3 PM I had a voicemail from her mother and an email from Erica explaining why she had her mother.

She's in PR. She can help you sell yourself. She can work on your resume. Have you written anything for that job you saw? Is your resume up to date?

I know she's trying to help and isn't intentionally pressuring me, but I'm still trying to understand that I don't have a job anymore. In her mind, (and out loud more than once) Erica already has us losing the house. I think that the biggest issue with us in regard to my current lack of employment is that Erica thinks because I didn't stay up all last night writing a resume and that I didn't spend all morning setting up interviews with crappy temp agencies, it means that I'm apathetic about my careerlessness. I'm not. I just know that I need to take a step back, evaluate the situation and make the right decision about what move to make. As I mentioned, I've been here before. And I needed money just as badly then. It wasn't a mortgage, but it was a payment that I had to make in order to keep my home. And I worked it out.

And I'll work it out again.

The thing for me is that it doesn't make sense to just start throwing fishing lines out willy-nilly hoping to catch something - anything - with no concern about the size or quality of what I might be getting. Doing that just crowds the water with so many hooks and lines that only the smallest and crappiest fish can get through.

Now, if I take that energy and effort and decide what I'm looking for. Then I can choose the proper bait, the perfect lure, the exact line I need. I could find out where the fish I want is known for hanging out when it gets hungry. And I could drop my hook there. Because, I'm not going to be happy with a small crappy fish. Getting a small crappy fish is only going to make me sad that I didn't try harder to get the good fish. I've had small crappy fish. I'm done with small crappy fish.

Obviously, I am not going to starve myself waiting for that perfect bite. I can totally drop a couple of hooks off the back of the boat and snack on whatever I get. I'm not above it. However, my main focus is going to be getting that ideal fish.

Ok. Dead horse. I know. I'm just working it out. And trying to verbalize what I know inside. This is a good thing. And honestly, it's exciting for me. This is going to bring something fantastic. Something I've been wanting and waiting for and when it shows up, I'll wonder why I spent so many years doing anything else.