Please Shut Up

As you all are aware I am trying to become more centered. This is not an easy pursuit to say the least. Take last night as an example. I leave work and go to the gym to take yoga with Puss in Boots. PIB is a perfect yoga instructor for becoming centered because he always talks about spirituality and connecting the body with the mind, etc. I set my intentions (this is yoga speak), before even arriving at the class, that I am going to turn my focus inward and bring myself back to it, as hard as that may be.

So I arrive at the class mentally prepared and go in to set down my mat 25 minutes before class starts. It is necessary to do this because this class fills up fast and it’s a pain to try to squeeze in between other people’s mats. Okay, so I walk into the class and there is the woman who is always there prior to class, her mat and her husbands mat laid out next to her. She is, as always, asleep on her mat, with a yoga blanket pulled up over her. These are the very same blankets that various strangers at the gym put under their butt when poses are too difficult for them. If you aren’t familiar with yoga blankets, they’re sort of hard and itchy and remind me of the blankets that we used, when I was growing up, on the horses before we put their saddles on. Not exactly a blanket I would want to cuddle up with. Then again, I would never be sleeping in the yoga studio prior to class. In fact, prior to class you can find me on the treadmill.

Where was I, oh yes, so I walk in see sleeping lady and decide that unlike every other week where The Princess and I place our mats in the row behind her, this time I will go to the other side of the room. I have a confession here readers. As you know I have always been honest about how shallow I am. I am not proud of it, but I accept myself for whom I am and try as I might, I am shallow. So do you want to know why I moved my mat to the other side of the room? I’m sure you’re thinking because I don’t like sitting behind a lady who naps. Well, you would be wrong. I don’t like sitting behind a lady with AWFUL hair. Seriously, I moved my mat because I knew that I could not stand to spend another class behind this woman where instead of being able to focus my thoughts inward, I instead spend the entire class obsessing about how ugly this woman’s hair is and how I can’t believe that someone would walk around with such horrible hair. It tortures me, people. Torture.

Fear not, shallow people are punished, as I found out later when running into the class, I sit down on my mat only to find that in front of me is Weeble man, you know “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall”. That’s right, every pose, every position, he is wobbling over. There I am trying to concentrate on my poses and the entire time a 6’3 man is in front of me wobbling. I tried everything, reflect inward, look at a spot on the wall, watch PIB nothing worked ultimately his wobble took over not only breaking my focus but occasionally causing my very own wobble.

Speaking of focus, this morning, for the second time I attempted to mediate, nothing long, just five minutes, focusing on my breath. Does anyone realize how long five minutes is? Especially when you have this annoying woman in your head that talks non-stop. Seriously, the books warn about this but I had no idea it would be so bad. There I sit attempting to concentrate on my breath, trying to focus and here she goes, “Do you really think you should wear that skirt today? I wonder what yogurt is left. You should go to the grocery store. Focus. Focus. Stop thinking. Is that a truck that just drove by? Should I curl my hair?” Honestly, the bitch won’t shut up.