I Even Look Pretty in Stripes

Fear not my true and loyal subjects, HRH will not be taken off to debtor’s prison. But had the judgment come down on her for this, fear not, The Princess had promised to bake her a cake, with tweezers inside. HRH can not live without her tweezers.

Alas, I wouldn’t have faired so well anyway. We are all aware that Royalty is never allowed the pleasure of being whisked away to pay off their debts by serving time, but are more likely to lose their heads as a punishment for their financial failings. My head is a good deal too pretty to be parted from my body.

For those of you not in the know (I can’t really imagine who that could be because we only have three readers, including ourselves) I have, in the past had the slightest, teeniest, tiniest, problem with my finances. As in I had no money so my solution for handling my debts was to throw the bills away, unopened. Thus allowing me to somewhat maintain the illusion that I was not poor.

Now, as we have learned not only does no good deed go unpunished, but no idiocy can go on unacknowledged forever and ultimately I became a responsible adult (albeit somewhat unwillingly) and started paying my bills.

Of course, this did not mean that I sought out my creditors, but rather waited for them to come to me, though I did learn to respond to them when they approached me. A lesson learned in a very hard way when my bank account was ceased. Did you know that a credit card could do that? I did not. And of course this was on one of those rare occasions when I actually had money.

This means, that this summer when I received a bill for $1000 from a debit collector, collecting on behalf of Marshall Fields, a debit that was more than 10 years old, I did the correct mature thing (lead by example I say) and called these lovely people (One can’t help but wonder if they have overextended themselves in payroll given that there have got to be larger debits than HRH’s).

What followed was a very interesting conversation where the lovely young man on the phone made me the fantastic offer of a payment plan of $500 that day and $500 on another.
“Um, Sir, I do not have that much money to pay you today. But, I’d be more than happy to work out some sort of a payment plan.”

The lovely, “I can’t offer you anything less than three payments.”

“But I can not make these three payments. Wouldn’t you prefer to say take a little money each month rather than nothing.”

Once again, the lovely, “Don’t you have a boyfriend or husband who can pay this debit for you?”

“Do you have a wife or girlfriend who pays your debits?”

Lovely, “Yes, I do.”

“Does she have a brother?”

Such insolence can not be tolerated. Had I been more like my fellow royal, The Queen of Hearts, you can guarantee it would have been “off with his head.”

Don’t worry my dear and loyal subjects, HRH always triumphs, she does indeed have the cold and blue blood of the late, dear Tsarina Anastasia running through her veins. Of course given my day in court, I was awarded the exact same payment plan that I had asked for initially. So it is with a keen sense of responsibility that I will make my monthly payments, but also wonder, would it not have been better for me had a debtor’s prison existed? Because honestly, walking out having no debit as well as not having had to pay NYC rent for a while would be delightful. Not to mention that a prison diet must do wonders for the figure.