From My Journal, August 1998

There was a boy in my life who I loved desperately.

we had a really good day yesterday. he sat and listened to music while i read dickens. it was a beautiful afternoon with a partial eclipse.

things are getting so much better. it's so fun hanging out with him -- and he pisses me off frequently enough to remind me that he is not the one. once he told me that i could call him every morning at 8 to say, "you're an asshole," and we'd still be friends.

that's funny, but pretty comforting.

And there was a girl.

i just don't even know where to start. she is so incredible. such a bad ass. she amazes me. inspires me. gives me such confidence. it's weird to think that we've been friends for such a short time. but we've been friends the entire time. better than people I've known for 20 years. when i say forever with her, i mean it. she's fascinating, brilliant, talented, she drives a truck, she's an artist who likes synthetic fabrics, she's stunning and real.

And I was a mess.

strong? i don't think so. i don't feel so. sad? i don't know. i feel it sometimes. but not really. loved? yeah. by a lot of people. but not really. alone? more than i should be considering all the people around me. but what do i do? where do i go? who do i really have? i don't want this place and i don't want these things and i don't want to be with these people and i don't want to be alone and ....

That one went on for an entire page. And it included a poem.

dog hair on my shirt -- symbol of my weakness
alone and mad in my room -- symbol of my weakness
tear stains in my book -- symbol of my weakness
big ass in my pants -
broken heart in my chest -
brand nubian in my cd player -
broken radio in my car -
symbols of my weakness

Obviously, I was a wreck. Also obviously, I was not a poet.

I've officially been living in New York City for ten years as of August 30. I'm still not a poet, but I did move past the "being a wreck" phase. (I hope.)

I think the most significant change from then to now is the fact that I'm not "almost 30" anymore. I'm almost 40.

It's good though. I like myself a lot better these days. My life is so much better. My apartment. My friends. My love life. My job. My attitude in general. I think it's just part of growing up and I've gotten to this phase of things.

You know. I think that's what the 30's are about. It's like, the 20's are the time to figure out who you are. Mainly by fucking up a LOT and hopefully learning from those mistakes ... eventually. The 30's are the time to learn to accept the fact that you are who you are, and to get adjusted to the shock.

My feeling is that my 40's will be about finally embracing that person.

And her fuck-ups.